Enough?

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I’ve been thinking about writing again. It’s been ages. I now have 5 little people. (Ten years ago I would’ve laughed that off)

So this idea keeps coming to me. I’ve been struggling with self-hate. I’m a few months post-partum and this is usually what happens.

So my oldest and I were in the car talking and she comments how she sees these amazing people who can create robots or machines or code, etc and that she feels she should be interested in that but she’s not. At all. And so I ask her why does she think she’s supposed to want to do those things. “I don’t know isn’t that what smart people do?” And so I proceed to remind her of all the really cool things she can do that she’s interested in and how other people wish they could do what she does.

And this light bulb went off for me. Why are we, as people, always trying to be someone we’re not? Why do we think we’re supposed to be whatever the trend currently is? Right now the trend is STEM. Everybody be an engineer right? But some people are not wired for it. Why aren’t we enough as we are?

And then my thoughts went to Paul in the Bible. Which honestly is pretty surprising because I haven’t been very invested in that for quite some time. Back to Paul. He has this whole “thorn in the flesh” conversation with God and says take it away. I really identify with this. For the first time in my life I can see it. But not for a specific weakness. It’s more my personality, my intensity, my misjudgments, my temper, my nitpicking.

God can’t you please take this? Why am I like this? What is wrong with me? Am I crazy? Am I just wired differently? How am I parenting? Pretty sure it’s terrible.

And do you know what? God said-nope. This is you and I like you. And those things that frustrate you about yourself? Let me be there. You’re enough.

You’re enough. Not too much. Not too little. Enough. This is what I think when I look at my own children. Who they are is enough. Do they make mistakes? Yes. Do they have flaws? Yes. But so what. They are also wonderful, kind, funny, etc. and they’re growing, in process. So why not give myself the same grace? Why be so demanding? Why expect perfection? Why assume that I’m doing it all wrong? I’m not. In my mind for as long as I can remember, whether self-imposes or not, there was never any room for failure. But failure is important, it’s how we learn.

I should tie this all up, wrap it into a neat conclusion. But I don’t have one. I’m just going to sit and think about this novel concept to my brain. I am enough. And where I lack-there is God. And I am ok.

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