Loss

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I suppose you could say that this little blog is my outlet for my feelings. I don’t know who to talk to about it sometimes and this is like sending it out into space. (even though I know a few people are reading it)

I had this friend-we grew up together, we were friends, we played legos together when we were little. He was a great guy. Kind of like a brother but not quite. He had a brain aneurism at 19. He was left a totally different person. He was very disabled from it. The last time I saw him was a year after it happened. He has always remained a part of my thoughts. I moved across the country, so visiting wasn’t really something I could do easily. Anyways, I have a dream about him probably once per year where he is himself again and vibrant. The dream always feels so real. A couple nights ago I had another of these dreams. So when I woke up I googled him. Just to see. His obituary was one of the first things that came up in my search. It was in 2010. I had no idea. I didn’t expect it to hit me so hard. I’m happy for him that he is in a place now where he can be free and whole. Very happy for him. But it still feels so sad and so shocking. I think because a part of me deep down always hoped he would one day miraculously recover. And death feels so final. I hate death right now. I’m so done with it. I am sad. heartbroken. not without hope. one day.

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