Life can be so interesting. It takes twists and turns you never could have anticipated. I am learning some very crucial things about myself. Things that I have embraced as who I am, but really aren’t. They’re simply coping mechanisms that never were turned off. The biggest one-control. I tend to be rather controlling, to the point that I have made it a part of my personality. Except I hate being controlling. It’s extremely unpleasant and not just for the people in my life, but for myself. I don’t like being that way anymore than they like being controlled. Or my attempts at it.
So, now I find myself in that awkward place of acknowledging my faults and yet not quite competent at moving beyond them. I dream of living a life without being tense inside. I dream of joy. I dream of purpose. I dream of being whole and no longer ruled by mistakes made against me.
Being able to name something is powerful. Being able to say that I know the “what” of my reactions…why I get so tense around specific people that I cannot function, then having a full-blown meltdown days after. It helps to know why, to recognize how it started in the first place. To realize there has been so much of my life lived in an attempt to simply keep the peace. I can breathe.
Then there are other dreams. Dreams that I thought I had lost. I dreamt of spending my days in other countries. I dreamt of freedom. I was systematically talked out of my dream that first year of college. Told it was impractical, why didn’t I have a major that I could make some money. Except I didn’t care about money. Never had. Ever. Money has never been my motivation. And so, for practicality, I changed my major. To international business. Yuck. I hated it. I was good at it, but I hated it. I kept it and graduated with a degree that I have not used. Not really. And did not acquire the skills or know-how to execute what I really wanted.
Fast forward to now. I do have one very important dream fulfilled-my family. I am astonishingly grateful for my husband and children. Truly. There is nothing I would change about that. They bring a deep joy. They are grace personified and I have learned more than I ever knew was possible. Now to bring them into the other dream of traveling the world. Of showing them my favorite places. Of letting my adventure side out.